A Note from Poppa: Today we have brought in a very special guest to the Cottage. Watch his tremendous proposal to Make America Great Again. Or you can read the full transcript below. Not since Jonathan Swift has someone come up with such a magnificent proposal.
A Tremendous Proposal
For building a big beautiful wall – a real wall, a very high wall – on the Mexican border, and making Mexicans pay for it
By Dear Leader DJT (2017)
Everybody can agree that we have a big problem in this country. All around us we see the carnage. The primary cause for this carnage is… Mexicans… MEXICANS!
By my own estimate, there are over one billion (that’s billion with a b) illegal Mexicans living in our beautiful country. They’re bringing drugs, they’re bringing crime, they’re rapists. Some of them like to grab OUR women by the pussy – it’s terrible, it really is. Even worse, they take jobs from honest, hard-working white people (the true Americans). They can’t even speak American (what is this “Hola” stuff – it’s like they have a different word for everything!). We need to take our big beautiful pale country back from the Mexicans.
Believe me, everything that’s bad that has ever happened to you is because of the Mexicans (well, maybe also Muslims and CHINA – sad!).
I, your Wise Leader, have a proposal that will not only get the Mexicans out of our country, but that will also fix America. I am the only one who knows how to make America great again.
As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of other projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in the computation.
I promised during my campaign that I would get the illegals out of America, and that I would build a big beautiful wall to keep them out. When they said I couldn’t do it, I said I would make the wall even higher (I really said that). And, if that wasn’t enough, I would make the Mexicans pay for it.
“How will you do that,” they asked.
“Believe me,” I said.
“Why,” they asked.
Well, it was a super special secret only I knew at the time, and now, I’m ready to reveal it. My plan will get the Mexicans out of our country. It will bring back every single job. It will end all crime. There will be no more drugs, no more rape (maybe some occasional good-natured groping). And, here’s the part that will really get you excited: it will ERASE THE NATIONAL DEBT without raising any new taxes! In fact, I, your Beloved and Respected Leader, will ELIMINATE ALL TAXES OF ANY KIND. As an added bonus, my plan will help feed and clothe all needy Americans.
After my plan is implemented, I’m sure they will raise a statue in my honor, and I will probably get, like, millions and millions more followers on Twitter.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
As I’ve said, there are at least one billion illegal Mexicans in our country. Each year, I will offer ONE MILLION HUNTING PERMITS to people of quality and fortune. Each permit will cost $10 million and will entitle the holder to eliminate one illegal Mexican. See, I told you I would make the Mexicans pay… at least figuratively.
To elabomorate (that means “talk about more”), a permit holder will be able to use these permits to hunt down and kill one illegal Mexican. Most of these permits will be issued to upstanding Americans, but to meet our quota, some select individuals from other countries may purchase permits – I’m thinking my friends V. Putin, Kim Jong Un, and Rodrigo Duterte might be interested.
Now, the dishonest media and untrustworthy sources, like researchers, have determined that my big beautiful wall with Mexico could cost as much as $40 billion dollars. I can do it for $12-15 billion, believe me, it’s what I do. (If I could use illegal Mexicans to build it, I could probably do it for less than a billion; especially if I don’t pay them.)
Well, let’s say that “the researchers” are right, and it will cost $40 billion. (They’re not right, because I’m the expert wall-builder (nobody better), but let’s just say.) The revenue from the sale of my permits would be $10 TRILLION per year, so I literally laugh in the face of a $40 billion price tag… Maybe I’ll make the wall 100 feet tall and put a moat in front of it with sharks with fricking lasers attached to their heads. So even if it costs $100 billion to build, it’s not a problem.
As a matter of fact, that $10 trillion is enough to replace the revenue we get now from all taxes, which is about $7 trillion. (What can I say, I like numbers, I’m really good at numbers, especially big numbers.) So I can now eliminate all taxes, and we will still have a few trillion dollars left to play with. First thing I’ll do is build the wall, easy. Then I, Father of the People, will start paying down our national debt, which is almost $20 trillion (thanks to Obama (and Mexicans)). With my plan, in less than eight short years (before I start my third term), I will have erased the national debt of the United States.
Some people may doubt that we will be able to sell a million permits at $10 million each, but they’re wrong. WRONG! President Bann… I mean, my adviser Steve Bannon will be implementing the permit system. He himself, in an effort to gauge the success of my plan, has personally eliminated at least 12 Mexican illegals. Mr. Ba… Steve has assured me that many of my numerous wealthy friends and backers are eager to participate.
There are almost 150,000 families in America with over $25 million in net worth. Surely most of these families wouldn’t pass up this opportunity of a lifetime. And, of the 540 billionaires in America (I am one, I am, but I won’t be releasing my taxes), I have personal guarantees from at least 90% that they will not only be participating, but will be sponsoring hundreds of thousands of permits for certain upstanding members of the N.R.A. By the way, the billionaires of this country, the real job creators, are great people – we are so great that a few hundred of us own more wealth than the bottom 50% of the people in the country. That’s how brilliant we are.
What will we do with the one million illegals who are eliminated each year? I’ve said many times, I love Mexicans. They are tough. But if you tenderize them correctly they make a great fricassee, or a taco bowl (I like it with shredded cheese: Make America Grate Again?). It’s ironic isn’t it? It gives new meaning to the word “Mexican” food. I really appreciate irony, it never escapes me or goes over my head (mostly because my beautiful hair – real hair – gets in the way).
Permit holders will be required to divide the carcass of their illegal in half. Half they get to keep for themselves – I recommend serving it at an elaborate banquet. The other half of the carcass will be flayed; the skin will make shoes and lampshades (my friends in Wisconsin can appreciate that), while the meat will go to needy American families. Win win.
How will we know if the permit holders are actually shooting illegal Mexicans? It should be fairly obvious, because illegal Mexicans have brown skin. But, in the event that you shoot a legal brown person – some of them, I assume, are good people – you will receive a serious fine of $100, and you will have to do a better job as you continue to hunt for your illegal.
I, your Guiding Sun Ray, can think of no objection that will possibly be raised against this proposal. “Experts” may say that immigrants actually cause less crime than native-born Americans, or that immigrants don’t actually take a significant number of jobs from native-born Americans, or that immigrants actually help the American economy, or that net migration from Mexico is negative, or that there are less illegal immigrants since the peak under George W. Bush, or that Obama deported more illegal immigrants than any president before. But who are these “experts” to tell me what I can see with my own eyes? What I believe are facts, and facts are what I believe. I am very very smart. I have a big brain. I have lots of big words.
Therefore, let no one talk to me about other solutions: Of finding a path to citizenship for hard-working undocumented immigrants; Of building bridges instead of walls to promote guest workers in needed areas; Of working to uplift and encourage economies in Mexico and other countries so more people have decent opportunities in their own countries; Of raising the minimum wage in our own country and creating initiatives that help American workers thrive; Of uniting, rather than dividing working class people (of all colors); Of decreasing inequality and getting money out of politics so plutocrats can’t run our country into the ground. Lastly, of putting a spirit of honesty and integrity back in our government.
Therefore, I repeat, let no one talk to me about these other solutions, until there is at least some glimpse of hope, that there will ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them into practice.
Fortunately, I came up with this tremendous proposal, which is something solid and real. I think the advantages of the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, and of the highest importance.
Firstly, it would greatly lessen the number of illegal Mexicans in America.
Secondly, our great American people would get their jobs back.
Thirdly, it would end crime, remove drugs, and stop rape.
Fourthly, the permit system would provide a vast array of wealth with which to build our beautiful wall, which would in turn deter any Mexicans from crossing into our great country. They are some bad hombres.
Fifthly, the monies from our permit system would allow us to end all taxes and still pay for all government services (especially after we eliminate most of the current wasteful services, like national parks).
Sixthly, permit holders would enjoy the thrill and sport of ridding our country of these hideous criminals.
Seventhly, the carcasses of illegals will provide sustenance, footwear, and furniture to the neediest among us.
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in promoting this necessary work. I’m rich already, so how could I want anything more? Besides, the president can’t have any conflicts of interest. I have no other motive than the public good of America, by protecting our borders, providing revenue for our country, relieving the poor, and giving some small pleasure to the rich.
God Bless Me (or, I Bless God),
Your Great Defender of Freedom,
P.S. Just wait til you hear my proposals for Muslims (they’re terrorists) and our hellish inner cities…
P.P.S. Mr. Bannon makes me call him President Bannon, otherwise I have to sleep in the East Wing – sad!