Hands Off My Car

“From my cold, dead hands”

Car rights supporters are up in arms about measures that have curbed their freedom.

The most egregious of these car controls is speed limits on how fast one can drive. “By imposing these limits on how fast I can drive,” Carl, a car rights activist said, “they have taken my freedom to go as fast as I want away from me. There will always be people who will kill people with reckless driving, but I drive safely when I’m going 150 miles an hour. Cars don’t kill people, bad drivers do.”

Another huge freedom killer is the requirement that drivers register their vehicles and have licenses. “This is all part of a slippery slope that will lead to car control liberals banning cars outright,” Republican Senator Paul Ridin complained. “What possible reason could they have for registering our vehicles and forcing us to prove that we can drive them, other than that they want to create a government database that they can use to track vehicles and their owners, which destroys our freedom.”

On top of all that, vehicles are required to have a myriad of burdensome equipment, like seat belts and headlights and bumpers. “All these safety and environmental regulations have stripped car drivers of their freedom,” said Wayne LeCar, the head of AAA,* the primary lobbying group for car rights. “Next thing you know, they’ll be making self-driving vehicles, and we won’t have any freedom at all.”

Where will it all end? Maybe they’ll ban tanks on our roads… Oh, they’ve already done that? See! We need more freedom!

Expressing ourselves with our vehicles is a right given to us by the Founding Fathers. No one will ever forget George Washington declaring “I cannot conceive one more honorable, than that which flows from the uncorrupted choice of a brave and free people” as he sped off in his shiny red Ford Mustang.

Let Freedom ring from our un-mufflered tailpipes! Vroom vroom, baby!

At a gathering of car rights activists, the eminent and eloquent William Wallace spoke:

Sons of America, it is tyranny what they’ve done to our vehicles: putting limits on our speed, forcing us to accept their rules and regulations, keeping us from taking our cars and trucks on airplanes, into schools, into libraries. Debasing us via prima nocta on our vehicles. I see a whole army of my countrymen in defiance of tyranny. You’ve come to fight as free men, and free men you are. What will you do without freedom? Will you fight?


Editor’s Note: Traffic deaths in the U.S. have decreased from about 50 per billion vehicle miles in the 1950s to about 12 per billion vehicle miles today.

*AAA, much like the NRA, spends much of its members’ dues lobbying for items that don’t necessarily benefit its members.

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