Mice have occasionally entered the Cottage (both figuratively and literally), but the current study was one in which mice were not being poked and prodded (or stretched, as the case may be).* The gist of this study (and I’m sure you’ve already heard about it on Facebook or The Huffington Post) is that somebody measured 15,521 dicks and came up with the average dick size. In its flaccid pendulous state (yes, those are their words), the average penis is 3.61 inches.** The average erect penis is 5.16 inches. And, perhaps because they had recently seen the show Puppetry of the Penis, the health professionals doing the measuring also recorded flaccid stretched dick length (the average was 5.21 inches, if you must know; measured while “maximally extending the penis”).
I read somewhere that, in Europe, the French have the longest penises and the Greeks have the shortest penises. Of course, studies that involve self-reported penis sizes tend to be biased toward larger results. So if that was a self-reported study, the true measure may have been how much one suffers from a Napoleonic Complex.
In doing research for this post, I googled a centimeters-to-inches calculator. Directly below the calculator, Google linked to the penis size study – guess it was a popular calculator for that purpose today. Guys,*** before you go debase your rulers in the bathroom (maybe you’ve already done it), excuse me while I whip this out (the chart from the study, that is):
OK, so what’s the point of this post? There should be something edifying for the Cottagegoers, right? Apparently, about 55% of guys are satisfied with the size of their penises, whereas 85% of women are satisfied with the size of their guy’s penis. So, aside from the puerile fun of potty talk, I guess the point is that guys need not be so worried about their dicks, and should move on to things that actually matter.
*Most men would probably feel even better about themselves if mice had been included in this study (not to advocate for the size-matters principle, or anything).
**Don’t read this next part if you’re squeamish about penises. According to the methods section, “length was measured from the root (pubo-penile junction) of the penis to the tip of the glans (meatus) on the dorsal surface, where the pre-pubic fat pad was pushed to the bone.” In other words, measure from the root to the meatus.
Guy wakes up groggily with pj’s around ankles. Girlfriend**** tries to hide something.
Guy: What are you doing? Is that a ruler in your hand?
Girlfriend: Uh, I was just doing some, um, geometry, because I couldn’t sleep.
****Or boyfriend – let’s not be homophobic.